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Thursday, August 12, 2010

Freedom

I overlooked the boy reaching his hand into the freshly flushed toilet bowl and then licking his fingers. I washed him off and tried to keep going. It was when he reached those wet hands into the sand used to hold cigarette butts at the front door of the field house that I snapped.

We are going home I said as I grabbed the boy and marched over to our pile of bags and towels spread out on the grass. I bundled everything up and got us home. As quick as you can get home with two kids, two bikes, armfuls of stuff and an angry mom.

Home hadn't been that much better earlier, which was why we ended up at the park. The girl and I had been fighting on and off all afternoon as she insisted we go to a further away park and I said no because I was too tired. I yelled. She yelled. We both cried.

I am finding it hard to be back home. The euphoria of seeing the kids quickly faded as I was pulled back into the day to day life of a stay-at-home mom. Hours after our plane landed I was starting to wonder if I could keep doing this. If maybe I shouldn't go back to work after all. It had to be easier then this I found myself thinking.

For the first time in a long time I had a taste of freedom. It tasted sweet. Like chocolate cake. Like new love. Like who I used to be. You know, that girl who had so much time on her hands that she didn't know what to do with it and so she squandered it carelessly. Oh the things I would tell that girl if I could.

I am just readjusting I tell myself. In a few days I will have settled back into a familiar pattern and it will be easier. I will remember why I do this. I will forget that sweet taste of freedom. And it will be easier.

10 comments:

  1. 'put them in daycare' people tell me. 'go back to work'. we're home with our kids b/c its right for us and we know made the right decision. but sometimes its suffocating and helpless and we just need to feel like that for a while. thanks for sharing. it sucks you feel this way but good to know i'm not alone :)

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  2. 'just keep swimming, just keep swimming", I find myself singing that little Finding Nemo song this week, a lot.

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  3. Sara I think you said it well. It is suffocating and helpless sometimes. Those moms that are a few years ahead of us say it gets easier. I'd like to believe it, but I'll have to wait till I get there.

    Hang in there B.

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  4. The days are long, the years short ... so true!

    Ugh I so hate those days that rock our confidence in what we are doing. You are an awesome mom.
    You are also a woman, that needs to be selfish a little sometimes too!

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  5. It will pass. The kids are adjusting to you being back too. Kids grow up and you will be glad you spent that time with them.
    Find a good babysitter and take an afternoon off every week. That's what makes a happy mom one who gets some time to herself. If you have some mom friends go visit with them and have them over. Misery loves company.

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  6. I am also living this. This week has been extra hard, not sure why, but none of us are coping well. Are you not returning to work? I have been away much of the summer and am way behind on my reading, so perhaps I missed a post. Do know you are not alone, there are others of us struggling this week, trying to make sense of it all and feeling like they are not managing.

    (OMG I sound like such a downer, time to kick my ass!!)

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  7. After my second mat leave, my husband stayed home with our kids for 3 years. I know that his job was way harder than mine was. But I also know that his job was far more rewarding than mine was. The days at home are hard, I know.

    It's all true, that the years go quickly and it all gets easier. And it really doesn't last long (in retrospect!)

    You are awesome!!

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  8. Both are sweet, but clearly in different ways. I really enjoyed my time away (but was definitely ready to come home by Sunday night). I am in a crazy work time so I have not gotten a lot of kid time this week and I feel very conflicted about it. On the upside, I have not had one of those kid yuck moments (toilet, cigarette sand) this week!

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  9. Before we left I said to my mother "I'm scared that when I get home it won't have been lovely to have had a break but that I will come home and yell NOOOO NOOOO! I wasn't done relaxing and being me!!!"

    I was lucky because Eric happened to be on vacation this week and that sort of eased my back in I think. I've also decided that I am getting the kids into daycare, or being cared for once a week asap. I love being home with them, but I need a regular time for me to be me. I know that may be easier said than done... but it's the plan of attack I'm taking. Because when I have enough time to be me, I love being home with the kids and I so happy that I have the opportunity to do it.

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  10. Even if my life were going "as I'd planned" I'd still be gearing up for a part-time day care for all those reasons. Just part-time, just baby steps. It's hard to readjust when you're used to being knee-deep in it, then out of it, then right back in it. I haven't left the house in a week - I'm not kidding. Not only was H sick, but I've been under the weather and just spent beyond all reason. Maybe this time next week you'll have your sea legs back and an escape hatch won't seem all that important anymore.

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