I'm going out tonight she said to me as we walked the kids home from school. I just need to go out and not feel like a mom for a bit! I nodded my head like I understood, but I didn't. Not then anyway.
Days later as I walked hand in hand with the husband, the kids at home with a babysitter, it hit me. This was something we used to do all the time before kids. Walk hand in hand, him and I. To get groceries, to go to the movies, on the way to work. We would talk as we walked. We would just be.
And for the first time in what seems like forever I felt like me. Not like a mom, but that me I used to be.
I try to take time to myself when I can. I grab snatches of it during the day if both kids nap or if I let her watch some tv. At night I sit quietly by myself, reading, watching tv or playing on the Internet, trying to recharge myself for the next day.
I am so used to being a mom, spending my days doing mom things like wiping noses and breaking up fights, that I stopped seeing myself as anything else. It became who I am. Mom equaled me.
I am starting to remember that other me. It's been a long time, though, since I have last seen her. I hope we can get reacquainted. The two parts of me.