Apparently I have lost some of the baby weight. At least according to a nanny at the park.
When I arrived at the park this morning with the two kids this woman was sitting on a bench chatting to a friend. They had been talking about me. When I looked towards them and smiled the woman said "I was just telling her you used to be fat but now you are getting skinnier". At first I wasn't sure if I understood what she had said. Did she really say "fat"? Maybe she said "firm". No, it was fat. The woman continued. "I used to think you were old because your face was so fat", she gestured to her face as if to add three chins, "but now I can see you are young".
I kept smiling through all of this. I even laughed. "Well," I said, "you know, it can be hard to find time to exercise with two kids. And I was really big when I was pregnant. It is hard to lose the weight". I smiled. I laughed some more.
As unintentional as it was, her words hurt me. I have been struggling with my weight. While it was nice to hear that I was skinnier it made me worry about what I looked like this past year. Have I been wandering around looking fat and old? Is that what people saw when they looked at me?
My mood of sadness and frustration about my weight actually started this weekend when we received the photos from our recent family photo shoot. The photos themselves are amazing. The girl looks beautiful. The boy looks like an Eastern European prince, at least according to my dad. The photographer did an excellent job. But when I looked at the pictures of myself I was startled. Is that what I look like? The me in the pictures and the me in my head are different. The me in my head isn't as heavy as the one I see in the photographs.
I know that I haven't lost all the baby weight. I can fit into some but not all of my pre-baby clothes. I am definitely not as skinny as I was after the girl was born. After her birth I lost all the pregnancy weight and then some. I had to buy new clothes because everything was too big. I was one of those annoying people that went around saying "it's the breastfeeding! The weight is just falling off!"
Not this time. This time the weight has been slow to come off. I try to eat well but sometimes I eat a cookie or a KitKat bar at the end of a long and trying day. I try to exercise but it rarely happens. There is always something else that needs to be done. Or I am too tired. Usually I am too tired. At the end of the day I don't have the energy for much except to sit quietly and, maybe, spend sometime with the husband. And I am not enough of a morning person to make it out of the house at 6am for a run.
I did take a few yoga classes over the winter and went to a mom and baby exercise class for a few months until the boy was started to crawl. That helped. I know I need to do more but I feel caught. Caught between the time and energy needed to exercise and the feeling like I should be exercising. Like the mom with a baby at the girl's preschool who goes to the gym three times a week. Or the mom with a baby from the park who goes to boot camp.
But I'm not them and they aren't me. All the shoulds do is make me feel bad.
So this is me for now. Skinnier. I will try to stay positive and keep moving forward. Focusing on the ier.