Last night the boy woke up at around 10:30pm. The husband went into his room to see if he could settle the little one back to sleep. Sometimes that works, sometimes that doesn't. It didn't work. Instead the boy started crying and yelling. Through the wall and over the baby monitor I heard "maam, maam". My heart expanded. He was calling me. He wanted me.
Lucky for the boy I was feeling so much love for him then and as I took him to bed with me because by the time morning rolled around I was feeling anything but. Instead I was frustrated, angry and irritated. He had been up six, or was it seven, times during the night. Each time I would nurse him back to sleep. Every time I tried to take the boob away, thinking that he was asleep already, he would howl and moan. It was a long night.
I had come to accept that he is up at night. At ten months he still wakes twice a night, never sleeping more than three or four hour stretches. I can manage that. What I can't manage is a repeat of last night.
Today has been a long day. Already tired to begin with, when I couldn't get the boy to sleep for his morning nap I was close to the breaking point. He would fall asleep in my arms only to wake whenever I put him down in the crib. I managed to bundle the two kids in the stroller and we headed out in the pouring rain. With a chai latte for me and a muffin for the girl I pushed the stroller and cried.
I am trying to be the parent I want to be, but I feel like I am failing miserably. My temper has been quick to flare and my patience short. I feel like the girl is bearing the brunt of my moods. I have had no time today for her usual almost-three year old antics. I want to be able to talk to her and teach her through these situations. Instead, if I have to tell her one more time not to push her brother I may scream.
I am very frustrated with the boy for not sleeping for me, either last night, this morning or even this afternoon. He did finally fall asleep in the stroller and the husband manged to get him down for a nap when he came home early from work sick. But why won't he sleep for me? And how do I cope?
I love the boy, I cherish him, I usually enjoy him. It touches me that he has been saying my name today "maam, mam" and reaching for me. But, honestly, I would rather that he sleep.