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Thursday, April 30, 2009

With a little help from my husband

It has been a rough few days and nights around here. When isn't it?! I feel like I am always complaining about how tired I am and how hard I am finding it. Sometimes i wish I could just suck it all up. But that isn't me. I'm a talker, a sharer, an over-analyzer. So if life is sucking I am going to say it is sucking.

It really isn't sucking. The kids are great. I am just exhausted and sick. The boy is also sick. This lead to an awful night Tuesday with very little sleep for either of us. The husband got sleep, though, because when the boy ends up coming into bed with me the husband retreats to the guest bed set up in the boy's room. He got sleep and I didn't. Which is pretty par for the course. He didn't really start worrying about me until I was half crying, half whimpering that we have to sleep train the boy.

There. I've said it. Sleep training. Everyone has such strong feeling and opinions about sleep training. And so do I. Sleep training is a kind of like my dirty little secret. I like to keep it in my back pocket and peak at it everyone in a while. It is my emergency, my last resort. I like to know it is there if I really need it. When I bring it out and start waving it around like a red cape at a bull fight you know I near the edge.

We never let the girl "cry-it-out", but I did stop night nursing her at ten, almost eleven months. Instead of me going in and breastfeeding her back to sleep the husband took over. It really was awful that first night. The husband went in and tried to get her back to sleep. She cried persistently for two hours and then on and off for another two. All this while the husband was holding her and rocking her. If I hadn't been at the wall I would have been in her room, grabbing her from the husband and putting her to the breast. But I was done.

I think I am there again, a little earlier this time. Or I am almost there. Last night I took the boy to bed with me about 10 pm because he would not settle to sleep. I was feeling the beginnings of the cold taking hold,and given the hard day I had already had, the husband offered to take the boy in the night and give him the emergency formula we have in the house. I couldn't do it. Some part of me feels guilty about letting the husband be up all night, letting him be tired in the morning, letting him do all the work. Those feelings lasted until 3:30 am when the boy woke up and decided he didn't want to sleep anymore. Then I handed him over. And I still feel guilty. The husband is a walking zombie today and i feel guilty.

Why do I think that I have to do it all? Why is hard to accept his help? Why do I feel so guilty when I do? It is easier for me to keep nursing the boy back to sleep at night than to see the husband tired and struggling the next day. Even though I am tired and struggling most days.

The husband came home from work early today. Having very little sleep is not conducive to productivity. Right now he is out for a walk with the boy, who is hopefully sleeping in the carrier since the cold makes it almost impossible for him to sleep more than 10 minutes lying now. The girl is napping (yay!). And I am reflecting on what I should do next.

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